In August 2020, I turned 29. And I feel the clock ticking away.
When I was in primary school, I expected that by the time I was 28, I would be married to a great man who drives a big car — plus have a good and stable, creative career in a company of my choice. But now at 29, I am nowhere close to either.
I would be attending my friends’ weddings and while truly happy for them, I often felt the hollow of my own, single status. I would hear stories of my friends having to face little to no rejections when it comes to the matters of the heart. They would often tell me stories about guys asking them out on dates, giving them flowers to officially ask them to be their girlfriend. Sad to say, I never did have that romantic luxury.
My own experience with dating was so much more messy and complicated. When I was 20, I took the initiative to ask a guy out. He became my first “boyfriend” though subsequently, I ended up having to take the initiative all the time in growing and deepening our friendship. I wonder if that gave him the wrong signals as he became sexually aggressive and molested me on several occasions. When I eventually confronted him about it, he dumped me. To add insult to injury, he also told me that I did not dress well for him, and that had often embarrassed him whenever we were in the company of his friends!
Workwise, my career has also gone nowhere. I studied and trained extremely hard at a top-rated digital arts and design school where I had been drilled to aim high and shoot for the stars. It paid off and I graduated top of the class. But over the last 3 years, my countless hours at work in various companies have yielded less than stellar results. It has been thoroughly disappointing, to say the least. I would hear stories of people getting into my dream companies when I couldn’t even get an interview or callback. I would witness people progressing to a much higher position even though they possess less work experience, or have put in less hours than I did.
The creative industry I work in is cut-throat and highly competitive. Compliments are often insincere and rare. At work, I would hear comments like “Your work is easy” instead of “You’re competent” whenever I finished my tasks fast. I often feel like I get looked down and disrespected. I have even been sabotaged by newbies whom I have helped, only to be backstabbed in their attempts to get ahead. The worst thing is, my boss seems to encourage this — in the guise of competition to get the “best” work out of his employees — and he did not have my back during a disagreement with a colleague.
Social media has only made it so much worse for me. Whenever I see pictures of my friends online, they look better and better with time. As for networking sites and online work posts, seeing my peers get more attention and likes over mine further gets me down. I spent my whole life in my early 20s thinking of how to make others happy, what to buy for others… how to this and that. But what have I reaped in return? I recently received these messages from two people whom I thought were friends. One wanted out so that she could spend more time with another person. The other told me we were not friends in the first place.
Why am I such a failure in life? Why am I so useless? Why am I so ugly? Why am I so bad at what I do?
If my reflections seem terribly negative, it’s because I do feel very bitter.
But at the same time, while writing this article, I realised — so what? Who cares? I has taken me such a very long time to get in touch with my own emotions, to face up to the disappointments in my life thus far. And here’s what I’ve had to come to terms with.
I may not be that “perfect” girl that a guy wants, but I don’t — and shouldn’t twist myself to please any man’s expectations or ideas of what “perfection” is. I may not be that “perfect” friend that people want, but I’m already trying to better myself, and fix whatever’s not working in my life. I’m sorry if others can’t see that nor accept me for who I am. I may not be terrific at everything I do, but I am always working very hard on whatever I endeavour — and I’m proud of myself for that. The truth is, I will never be good enough for anyone, even myself. The only thing I can do is to keep going and keep trying to better myself as an individual — at age 29 now, and counting.
What’s more, I have also learnt to count my blessings. I may not have many friends, but the few that I have are more than enough in my life — for they are the ones who truly love me for who I am. I also have a loving family, plus a loving cat — they keep me fulfilled, satisfied and happy.
Of late, I’ve reduced my time on Instagram, as the consistent comparison to my peers has been very destructive for me. Now, I’ve decided to quit social media for good. No more comparisons, no more chasing after the “likes” that I want, and the life that I imagine I want to have.
To everyone who’s reading my musings, I hope you that know your own self-worth. If you feel that nobody else appreciates you, you’ve got to be happy with yourself. Love who you are, and learn how to care for yourself. And don’t forget about the people around you, and those who matter the most in your life.
As for me, I used to have many wishes before I turn 30: I wanted to go to Japan, I wanted to be earning $x amount, etc… But now, I just want to be happy.
